I have very nearly lost it -- who knew I even had it in the first place? -- and it's making me giddy. I feel myself near that edge of loss of self-control and I can picture myself trembling on the floor, propped in a doorway, rictus grin stuck on my face. The image is so welcome it's sick. This is how far I will go to feel something. This is how far I will go to be the cliched monster that I am. But it's all pouring down into place.